Pancake Gurl Strikes Again...

Apparently I am the worst mother in America. Scratch that... on Earth. Wait... NO.... the HISTORY of Mothers that have ever lived in America OR on the Earth.

Ever.

This may or may not be the biggest shock of your lives... but apparently I'm totally awful at the whole "mothering" thing...

I'm telling you no one has ever been a worse mother.

Ever.

So, some of you know the parable of the Pancake Gurl. For those who don't, please allow me to fill you in. It's really quite riveting....

Early one Monday morning, a sweet little fair skinned princess awoke and dressed for school. She combed her lovely ginger locks and brushed her pearly teeth. She dressed with great care, as she had dreams of looking like a modest and classy pop starlet. This princess was exceedingly smart, very kind, and quite pretty. As she left her chambers, she encountered the castles very own miniature dragon, otherwise known as her little brother. She, being so fair and kind, ignored him and went about her princessly duties. She gingerly crept down the staircase where her evil, wart nosed Mother was preparing to break their nightly fast.
"Oh Mother!", the little princess exclaimed, "I have no desire for oatmeal this lovely winter morning. I am however, in great need of pancakes. Probably about 4 of the silver dollar variety should suffice."
"Oh no my child, I have not the time nor the inclination for pancakes this beautiful Monday- oatmeal it will be for me and for thee" she said and smiled ever so sweetly. The mother- while tragically mean and hateful- was quite clever with words and often liked to anger her children by making poems and songs for no reason at all.... The ugly and wretched woman explained that while she would indeed love nothing more than to prepare such a lavish feast first thing on Monday morning, it just would not be prudent.
The sweet and kind princess looked at the grotesque demon that was her mother, and then something strange happened.
Her head started to spin.
Her eyes rolled in the back of her pretty little face.
Green stuff started flying out of her neck.
It was not a pretty sight.
She began writhing on the floor as if she were greatly distressed.
Or possessed....her mother knew not....
"I WANT PANCAKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!" "I WANT PANCAKES NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The mother, being the simpleton that she was, simply allowed the child to flail about and finished preparing the cinnamon and brown sugar oats.
The castles miniature dragon and older princess looked upon the younger princess with disdain. They could not fathom such behavior. It was a foreign concept in this otherwise happy castle. This angered the little princess even more as she had no desire to be looked upon in such a manner.
So, the morning passes thusly: Demon princess writhing, idiot mother ignoring, other children eating ever so politely.
At long last, it was time to board the chariot and travel to the castle where the children took their studies.
As mother is in command of said chariot, she hears a familiar beeping sound. Princess Fair and Pretty is trying to open the chariot door and leap out because she has finally decided that oatmeal might be palatable compared to what she consumed- nothing. And also, in the struggle of the wicked and evil mother carrying Princess to the chariot, her backpack was forgotten.
Can you believe that the horrible excuse for a caregiver simply refused to go back and retrieve that backpack?
'Tis true my good and faithful friends.
The mother ever so gently slung Pretty, Pretty Princess across the seat with her free arm so as not to allow her to jump from the moving chariot.
This happened twice.
Finally, after what seemed like years, they reached their destination and the heartless, poor excuse of a mother had to physically remove Princess from the chariot and leave her sobbing and greatly distressed outside the edu-castle for all to see.
One would think that after that, this dolt of a "mother" would learn her lesson and allow Princess whatever her little sweet heart desired. Oh no my dear friends... remember- we are dealing with the village idiot here.
So on this, another bright and lovely winter day, when Demon Princess revolted because she didn't want to eat a packed luncheon, she wanted to partake of lunch at school, the mother, being slow to learn and quite thick headed, made the poor, mistreated princess take her lunch anyway.

Such travesty I have not heard in all the land round about.

Princess Whines A Lot did not attempt to jump from the chariot on this occasion, but wouldn't remove herself at the proper time, either.
Again, the wicked and evil mother had to drive off and leave the damsel sobbing.



Will our favorite thick headed nitwit never learn to give our fair princess what she demands and so obviously deserves?